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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 26, 2018 12:54 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Thu Feb 08, 2007 11:44 amPosts: 168Location: Belfast
I opened and unsigned Christmas card yesterday and a wee pile of rice fell out, so I reckon it was from my Uncle Ben?



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2018 7:27 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 295Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Surprised there were no chimney jokes this festive season. My mate has a stack of them. He gave me this one on the house.

Why doesn’t Santa Claus have any children?
Because he only comes once a year and it’s down the chimney.


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2019 11:27 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Happy New Year, everyone & here's the 1st joke of 2019:
I've just split up with my girlfriend Lorraine;
now I'm going out with Clara.
I can see Clara now Lorraine has gone.



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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2019 1:28 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was in a pub with JD last night.
I pulled out a newspaper & said, "Can you help me out with this crossword, JD; ten across, 'shipwrecked on a desert island', 8 letters, beginning with M."
Quick as a flash, he said, "Marooned."
To which I replied, "That's very generous - a large whisky, please."



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2019 7:18 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 518
Diego sat at the bar, just looking at his drink, staring at it for over half an hour.
A big rough, tough looking truck driver came into the bar and stood next to him, took the drink from Diego, and drank it all down in one gulp.
Diego started crying uncontrollably.
The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that," said Diego, wiping his tears, "This day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and I went in late to my job. The boss went crazy and sacked me, when I left the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet on the seat. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife Maria in bed with, Joe the gardener.
I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 12, 2019 12:53 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Doctor, me & my friends think we're billiard balls.
Doctor: you'll have to get to the end of the cue.



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 12:26 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit to neglecting all recently, mirth fans, so here's a bumper bundle of ribbed ticklers.
A weasel walks into a bar: the barman says, "We don't get many weasels in here, what can I get you?" " Pop," goes the weasel.
Bnag! That's bang out of order.
The next-door neighbour knocked on my door at 3 o'c this morning; lucky I was still playing my drums.
Walshy.....



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 17, 2019 2:43 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 335
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my allotment :| . The plot thickens.


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 19, 2019 3:45 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 295Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
A guy goes into a fishmongers with a trout tucked under his arm.
He said to the fishmonger "Do you sell fishcakes?"
"Yes" said the fishmonger "How many do you want?"
"Just the one" said the guy pointing to his fish "It's his birthday"


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2019 12:31 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 335
I wanted to thank everyone for sticking by me while I figured out the meaning of "many".............it means alot :shock:


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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2019 4:55 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I was talking to my postman this morning. He said he'd been on holiday in Spain. I said, whereabouts? He said Parcelona. :o

The human cannonball got the sack - he was fired. A circus spokesman said, "We will struggle to find another man of his calibre." :)

The wife said to me last night, she said, "You weren't listening to a word I said, were you?" I thought - what a funny way to start a conversation. :roll:



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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:12 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 335
Did you know that smoking to much marijuana can lead to memory loss :shock: .............or even worse Memory loss :?


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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2019 12:15 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 335
Did you know that smoking to much marijuana can lead to memory .......memory loss :wink:


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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2019 1:14 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sign in a shop window:
Flat batteries' help yourself - no charge.

And I heard this on the Tony Blackburn Show this morning, so it's as fresh as a daisy:
Doctor, I'm shrinking, I keep getting smaller.
Doctor: Take a seat & be a little patient.



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PostPosted: Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3638Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
I'm reading this new book about vegetarian breakfasts.
By Eggbert Nobacon.

Walshy.......



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