Author Message

INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

Post new topic  Reply to topic

PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
This is how the conversation started:
Dubliner: Do you fancy trying something from the Kama Sutra tonight?
Mrs. Dubliner: Yes, let's get a curry.



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:10 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 550Location: It's in the Name
In the end we actually went out to eat in a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican, which was really fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.



_________________
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. (Homer)
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 4:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A recent poll says that 72% of people have never seen an episode of One Foot In The Grave; I don't believe it!
With this rainy weather,I can't wait to start wearing the waxed jacket I bought in Spain; it's the Barbour of Seville.



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:19 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 345
Nearly got into the Guinness book of records for the longest game of darts ever .....if you ever get the opportunity never ever play" One dart" Peter Manley :wink:


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy rang me this morning, he said "Steve, I've got a cracking joke for you, but please don't say it was me what told it you." I said, "Walshy, me old pal, integrity is my watchword; confidential is my middle name; stand on me, my son." So here it is, in all it's glory:
JOHN22 & Dubliner were in a churchyard, looking at headstones.
John said, "Hey Dubliner - this bloke here was 127!"
Dubliner said, "What was his name?"
To which John replied, "Miles, from London."



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 297Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Early Christmas shopping.

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 9:39 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 345
“Here’s a picture of me with REM :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :shock: . That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Colin, who works for the police in their 999 call centre- Colin All-Cars, to give him his full name - told me these crime-related jokes.
I got a free meal from Pizza Hut; they do it for everyone who climbs out of the toilet window & runs away. Hot air balloon theft - it's on the rise. I bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days, but I've had probs with my computer. I tried to re-set my password to " fortnight," but the computer reckoned that was too week.

Anyway, Christmas is a-comin', the goose is getting fat - yes, it's that time of year once more so this thread now becomes.............(ooh, you can feel the suspense building) THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

Right people, you know how it goes, every day we open a door on the Advent Calendar, to reveal the joke inside. Like this ribbed tickler:
I just bought the wife a new bag & belt for Christmas. From now on, the Hoover should work a treat! (OK, I know - those presents suck; I'm Dyson with death.)



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:46 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 539
Dubliner is driving on the M50 Motorway.

His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says,
''Alan, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M50!''

Alan says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:49 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 539
Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:20 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 345
After eating all his christmas decorations last year,its good news , Steve has eventually got over his Tinsilitis :P


Offline Profile
PostPosted: Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:52 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Righto boys & girls, it's time once more to open today's door on.....
The Advent Calendar of Doom.
How many Countdown contestants does it take to change a GLBHUBITL??

What is everybody's favourite Christmas song? Let us know, let us know, let us know.....or do you prefer a silent night??



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:24 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 550Location: It's in the Name
I went to the doctors today and he said I was paranoid.

...Well he didn't actually say it, but I knew what he was thinking......


I bumbed into Steveqpr881 while I was at the doctors, he was complaining of hearing problems and the doctor asked him if he could describe the symptoms.

"Yes", said Steve "Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair".

PS impressed at your M50 ref Steve that’s exactly where it happened!



_________________
Go ahead and play the blues if it'll make you happy. (Homer)
Offline Profile
PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2018 11:22 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3727Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
You bumbed into me, Dubliner?? :oops:
And the M50 reference was JOHN22 not me. :roll:
Apart from that, you were spot on!
:P

Anyway, there's an Interesting Xmas Fact behind today's door:
Families in Slovakia celebrate with the man of the house filling his spoon with pudding, then flinging it at the ceiling to see if it sticks.



_________________
Like & share this, or a unicorn dies
Offline Profile

Display posts from previous:  Sort by:

All times are UTC [ DST ]
Page 10 of 14
198 posts
Go to page Previous  1 ... 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14  Next
Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 2 guests
Search for:
Post new topic  Reply to topic
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot post attachments in this forum