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INDEPENDENT Rs | The Independent Times : The new, IMPROVED joke thread!

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 1:59 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Must admit, I nicked the calendar joke off Tony Blackburn, he told it on his Radio 2 show this morning. So at least it's fresh, and it's not very often you can say that about his jokes!
As for the "grassy knoll" thing.....no-one replied so I did it any way.
Let's see if anyone takes the bait....I'll let you know.



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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2018 10:37 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
The only thing Flat earthers fear...

... Is sphere itself.



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:50 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
I just asked my wife if she fancied a takeaway?

She said, "Are you talking Chinese?".

I said, "No, did it sound Chinese?"



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PostPosted: Mon Nov 26, 2018 1:09 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
This is how the conversation started:
Dubliner: Do you fancy trying something from the Kama Sutra tonight?
Mrs. Dubliner: Yes, let's get a curry.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 2:10 am Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Thu Jun 23, 2011 11:35 pmPosts: 555Location: It's in the Name
In the end we actually went out to eat in a new restaurant that serves the meat of exotic animals and birds. We both ordered pelican, which was really fantastic.....but the bill was enormous.



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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2018 4:32 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
A recent poll says that 72% of people have never seen an episode of One Foot In The Grave; I don't believe it!
With this rainy weather,I can't wait to start wearing the waxed jacket I bought in Spain; it's the Barbour of Seville.



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PostPosted: Thu Nov 29, 2018 12:19 pm Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 350
Nearly got into the Guinness book of records for the longest game of darts ever .....if you ever get the opportunity never ever play" One dart" Peter Manley :wink:


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PostPosted: Sat Dec 01, 2018 12:02 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Walshy rang me this morning, he said "Steve, I've got a cracking joke for you, but please don't say it was me what told it you." I said, "Walshy, me old pal, integrity is my watchword; confidential is my middle name; stand on me, my son." So here it is, in all it's glory:
JOHN22 & Dubliner were in a churchyard, looking at headstones.
John said, "Hey Dubliner - this bloke here was 127!"
Dubliner said, "What was his name?"
To which John replied, "Miles, from London."



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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 2:38 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 10:38 amPosts: 295Location: Cambridgeshire and Kamala
Early Christmas shopping.

I ordered 4 Kindles from Amazon and they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD!


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 9:39 am Reply with quote
Joined: Sun Nov 14, 2010 11:20 amPosts: 350
“Here’s a picture of me with REM :roll: :roll: :roll: :roll: :shock: . That’s me in the corner.” – Milton Jones


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PostPosted: Mon Dec 03, 2018 5:39 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
My friend Colin, who works for the police in their 999 call centre- Colin All-Cars, to give him his full name - told me these crime-related jokes.
I got a free meal from Pizza Hut; they do it for everyone who climbs out of the toilet window & runs away. Hot air balloon theft - it's on the rise. I bought a pair of trainers from a drug dealer; I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



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PostPosted: Tue Dec 04, 2018 7:44 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
The person who discovered wheat intolerance has died.
The family request, no flour.



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PostPosted: Thu Dec 06, 2018 4:04 pm Reply with quote
User avatarJoined: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:23 pmPosts: 3772Location: Running down the Uxbridge Road...
Sorry I haven't been on for a few days, but I've had probs with my computer. I tried to re-set my password to " fortnight," but the computer reckoned that was too week.

Anyway, Christmas is a-comin', the goose is getting fat - yes, it's that time of year once more so this thread now becomes.............(ooh, you can feel the suspense building) THE ADVENT CALENDAR OF DOOM.

Right people, you know how it goes, every day we open a door on the Advent Calendar, to reveal the joke inside. Like this ribbed tickler:
I just bought the wife a new bag & belt for Christmas. From now on, the Hoover should work a treat! (OK, I know - those presents suck; I'm Dyson with death.)



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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:46 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 551
Dubliner is driving on the M50 Motorway.

His wife calls him on his mobile phone and in a worried voice says,
''Alan, be careful! I just heard on the radio that there is a madman driving the wrong way on the M50!''

Alan says, ''I know, but there isn't just one, there are hundreds!''


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PostPosted: Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:49 am Reply with quote
Joined: Mon May 07, 2012 11:31 pmPosts: 551
Two cannibals, a father and son, are walking down the street, when they notice a hot girl passing by.
The son says to the father, "Daddy, I'm hungry, let’s eat that girl that just passed by."
The father replies, "I've got a better idea son, let’s take this one home and eat your mother instead!"


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