The (Alternative) Takeover

The Chairman sat forlornly at his desk, staring at the pile of bills and invoices in front of him. Whatever anyone said, he knew that he’d tried his very best, but now the time had come to face facts. There was so much more money going out than there was coming in, and try as he might, he just couldn’t see a way out. As if that wasn’t bad enough, every single day he was suffering a torrent of abuse from those bastards that used the message boards. Thank Christ I’ve got a thick skin he thought, otherwise I wouldn’t set foot outside the house.

He smiled as he wondered if it was possible to set up the boards so that when they logged on, they would all get a severe electric shock. He laughed out loud as he considered it. I suppose it’s impossible he thought, still, it might be worth sitting in a cell for a few months if it meant getting rid of all those shits…and they call themselves supporters ? Day after day, after day, they never bloody stop.
‘Why doesn’t he buy some new players ?’
‘Why don’t we get promotion ?’
‘Why haven’t we got any money ?’
‘Why do we always lose ?’
‘He’s picking the team’
‘Why did he buy that player ?’
‘I could do a better job than him’
Piss on the lot of them he thought, they don’t deserve me. He allowed himself a smile as he imagined the message board users lined up against a wall as he stood in front of them with a machine gun.

He lifted the phone and called a pre-set number…..a voice answered, ‘Hello.’ The Chairman spoke. ‘I need you at HQ right now, if not sooner. Hurry up, be quick.’ The voice replied. ‘But boss, I’m at my Yoga class and then I’m going to my Tai Chi class.’ The Chairman started shouting. ‘Yoga ? Tai Chi ? I’m going down the shitter here and you’re at evening classes learning a second language ! Be here in half an hour.’ The voice replied, ‘Yes boss.’

The Chairman slammed down the phone and thought, it’s all his fault anyway. It serves me right getting involved with a legal type. Everybody knows that those shits would steal a tear from the eye of a newborn baby but drastic times meant drastic measures. He wasn’t quite finished yet. There was one throw of the dice left. His assistant arrived. ‘Hello boss, you should try Tai Chi. I’ve just learnt how to tie myself into a reef knot.’ The Chairman held his head in his hands, shook his head slowly and said, ‘Shut up, sit down, mouth closed, ears open, understand ?’ The assistant nodded and sat down. The Chairman began speaking. ‘We’ve tried everything, but we’ve run out of options. The bastards are snapping at our heels, we can’t carry on, we’re almost finished. Although, I’ve got one last plan and If it works, you and me will live to fight another day. If it doesn’t, well, it won’t really matter.’

The assistant leant closer as the Chairman explained the plan. After he had finished, the assistant sat back and looked at the Chairman with undisguised worship in his eyes. ‘That’s brilliant boss, er, do you think it will work ?”What do we have to lose ? Let’s hurry now, we don’t have much time’ replied the Chairman. The assistant took the keys of the team bus and left the office. The Chairman took one last look round his office, spat on the floor, closed the door behind him and squeezed superglue into the lock. He then went and joined the assistant on the team bus.

They headed south and after a couple of hours they arrived at a deserted bay on the south coast. They unloaded and then inflated the small dingy. They both undressed and left all their belongings in two neat piles a few yards from the water’s edge. They put on wetsuits and the Chairman explained further. ‘I’ve insured us both for five million pounds each. All we have to do is stay hidden for five years, then the insurance company will pay out and it’s happy days. Sunny Spain here we come. Remember, leave everything behind on the beach, they’ll think we’ve been swept out to sea. Maybe those shits at the club will have a service for us.I curse the day I first heard the name of that bastard club.’

His assistant spoke. ‘Do you really think that they will hold a service for us boss ? That would be nice of them.’ The Chairman stared at him. Jesus Christ he thought, Michael Corleone had Tom Hagen, look what I got ? He drew back his arm ready to throw his mobile into the sea, when it began ringing. He looked at it, not recognising the number. Should he answer ? It was probably another shit wanting money, it was never anything else these days.Curiosity got the better of him…he pressed ‘answer.’ ‘Er, hello.’ A voice replied. ‘Hello son, the boy Bernie here, have I got some good news for you or what. Flav and me have decided that we need a new challenge. In short son, we’ve decided to buy your little football club.’

The Chairman felt a warm flow of liquid running down his legs inside his wetsuit. He quickly recovered. ‘Er, well Bernie, to be honest, I’m not sure that we need any outside help. After all, we’re on an even keel and are looking at massive profits next season.’ The boy Bernie sighed. ‘Alright son, we’ll do it your way. I’ve done my homework and whatever way you wrap it up, you are in the brown stuff right up to your nostrils. I’ve heard of people who’ve been in the last chance saloon, but you seem to have run straight through it and out the other side. Stand on me son, I didn’t get where I am today not knowing how to tuck away the odd shilling. I take a ten minute dip every night in my indoor pool. It’s not filled with water. I’ve got it filled with ¬£50 notes. It doesn’t get me clean, but I like the feel of the notes on my skin. Are you beginning to get the drift son ? I’m talking serious wedge here. Me and the boy Flav are prepared to talk sensible money, look after the debts and get some decent players in. Of course they’ll be a drink in it for you. Now then………are you a serious man or not ? We’ll be at the ground in the morning at 9am until 9.05am. If you’re interested, be there. Goodbye son.’

The Chairman stared at his mobile with his mouth wide open, maybe there really was a God.
He heard his assistant’s voice. ‘We’re all ready boss,
let’s go.’He smiled at the assistant.
‘Change of plan, load the bus. We’re going back, we have been saved.’
‘I don’t understand boss.’
Then understand this…..shut the fuck up and load the fucking bus.
‘His assistant sniffed. ‘Yes boss.’

The Chairman jumped into the bus, started the engine, closed the door and drove off, heading back to London. His assistant stared at the departing bus. ‘Boss, boss, what about me ?’The Chairman wondered what the terrible smell was and began singing out loud.
‘ Who wants to be a millionaire,
I do,
Have money every everywhere,
I do
Who wants the bother of a country estate,
A country estate is something I’d hate’

He laughed out loud, checked his speed and slowed down. He went cold at the thought of being caught speeding and imagined the headlines: ‘Club Chairman Caught Speeding At 2am In His Team’s Bus, Dressed Only In A Soiled Wetsuit.”Christ’ he thought, those tossers on the message boards would have a field day ! Keep calm and don’t do anything silly, I’m heading back to salvation. Back at the coast, his assistant was wondering what he should do. He began walking back down the road, away from the sea. Was that a low growl he heard ? He turned…..was that a pair of yellow eyes in the distance ? He spoke out loud….. ‘Pull yourself together man. There are no wild animals in England.’ He heard another low growl.He started jogging. He looked behind him again……wild animals or not, there were definitely a pair of yellow eyes in the distance, and they were staring at him.

He began running. He heard the growl again, although this time it was louder and closer.’Oh sweet Jesus,’ he moaned.He began sprinting. Although he was in full flight, arms and legs pumping, he could hear something getting closer and closer.He started screaming…….He felt hot breath on the back of his neck, as his bowels began opening.

The Chairman was making good time, so he relaxed a little and spoke over his shoulder. ‘I told you that I would save us. I told you that it would all be alright.’ No reply.Huh, he thought, how can he sleep at a time like this ?First thing I do when the money starts rolling in……sack him and get myself a new assistant, or maybe two assistants. I’ve always fancied a Porche Turbo. I’ll probably get myself a nice young girlfriend…..or maybe two nice young girlfriends. He began singing again……

‘Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.’

Steve Zico
(This is of course fiction and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, is entirely coincidental.)